I have talked to a large number of gay men and women and the general consensus is that, after a life of living out their gay identities, engaging in same sex activities, entering into gay relationships, and with the onset of old age, when the need for stability and companionship beckons, they would, not as expected, choose to marry someone of their own gender, but would marry a person of the opposite sex, even with the knowledge that they are gay or lesbian. They are not denying or suppressing their gay identities. In fact most say that they would still have sex outside of this marriage. Some have even confessed that they would be open to their partners and tell them of their orientation. It’s not a case of the Down Low (DL) phenomena where ‘apparently straight’ married men engage in anal sex with other men while denying their attraction to men. It’s just that they see a scenario that they will have to be open about it to this man or woman they have vowed to love and spend their lives with.

Man-Man Unions, Woman-Woman Unions

Gay relationships are not that they are not fulfilling or complete. But what I hear is that these men and women chose to date their opposite sex because of companionship and long-lasting commitment. But don’t they get that from their own partners now? They do. But, after examining their own lives and seeing that age is catching up, they usually tend to go for the opposite sex. I asked them if the current relationships they are in aren’t long term or that there is no form of commitment for. They tell me that the gay life is fun, its fast and most of them time, it’s more short term than it is for anything concrete. Have they not found someone who is oriented to a concrete future, lasting and fulfilling retirement life? There are there but rare to find. And not all gay men and women will go into a relationship; there are those who are made for marriage and those who aren’t.

Dynamics of Relationships

Another fact that tends to twist the arms of these folks is the fact that compared to man to woman relationships, man to man or woman to woman relationships are hard to commit to. Most cited the constant disagreements, the prevalent homophobic attitudes, regular infidelity and incompatibility as reasons why they would go for the opposite sex in matters of marriage and settling down. Most have felt cheated and let down by many relationships involving their own and they would rather choose someone else and see if that works. After all, its not that every gay man to straight woman marriage doesn’t work. They do. The same is said of every lesbian woman to straight man marriage.

Difficulties and Prevalent Challenges

Some gay men and women who are in relationships or married to their opposites sex are also not happy. I said ‘some.’ One man confessed to having trouble every time his wife undressed and prepared to get into bed. The sight of a naked woman revolted him. Some said that they could not have an erection as a prelude to sex and had to either force themselves or think of gay sex in order at least ‘rise’ to the occasion. All said that sexual intercourse was a challenge given that they were not used to it and had to force themselves to do it. Some said that they have learnt to love their spouse despite them knowing where their loyalties lie. Most did confess to engaging in sex with their own gender ousted of the marriage in order to satisfy their sexual appetites. The gay men married to women agree that they find it easier to control the woman, are accorded respect and dignified not only as a husband but as a man in the household. Others said the birth of their kids brought some happiness, joy and sense of pride. Others cited the fact that through the pregnancy of their wives, their ‘manly’ instincts kicked in and they felt a sense of protection, taking care, handling things, provider-qualities expected in every man or so society says. The lesbian married women, on the other hand, say that they are also happy. They get proved for in all their needs. Pregnancy and babies also seems to strongly solidify the marriage.

Fears

Generally, most of these men and women agree that they have fears. They fear being ‘outed’ by their spouses or them finding out about their past lives. They agree that cessation of all same-gender activities, sexual or social, are one of the things that they adhere to in order to protect themselves or in order to concentrate more in their present relationships. They not longer go out to gay parties or hang out among gay friends. They do what straight folks do which happens to be going to a pub, have a drink with the boys, and watch football in case of the men. With women they say they hang out around in social groups ‘chamas,’ in church or other activities focused around women. One notable phenomenon I found out among the men was the fact that most have had the thought or have asked, or have engaged in anal sex with their wives. Yes, given that they no longer have anal sex with men; can they perhaps have it with their wives? Sadly, not every wife is willing to go through this. Many fear that such a request is a dead give-away. The lesbians told me that sex sometimes was not pleasant. Some of them swore off penises and yet here they were confronted with the same. All they did was grind their teeth, lay back, open their legs and get it over with. They said that as much as they can be there for their spouses in other areas, sexually they score very little.

Options

At the end of this, several options seem to have been agreed on. Either you do not marry and stay single and openly gay all your life. Or, do marry and learn to love the person and completely cut off one’s homosexual side. Or do marry, and still engage in sex with members of your own sex. Some said that by engaging in sex with their own gender has in turn made them able to love more and be there to their unsuspecting partners. By being allowed to explore this part of them, the found out that they are more loving and more open and understanding to their own spouses. The other option is coming out to their spouses and seeing how that goes. Some gay men have told me that if they decide to marry a woman, she has to be lesbian so that there are no weird situations or anything to cover up or explain. They would not get kids but will appear, for the sake, as couple. They would have separate bedrooms and will mutually agree to date their own gender. The lesbians heartily agree with this. They would likewise marry a gay man with nothing of sexual intercourse or kids involved. How about divorce? Well, some have considered this option. But all agreed that even though that may be the best option it’s not one they would readily go with. For starters, they are in a relationship and thus are obligated to make it work at all costs. Any willful negligence, especially conjugal duties, will seem premeditated and wrong. Some have kids to look out for and leaving them will have serious moral and social reprisals. And given that they are the ones with the secret to hide, they do not see why the other person should be made to suffer for something that they know not of. Now that is what I call love.

Denis Nzioka